A Jaded Verse Of My Mind

Imagine your long locks fall seamlessly through slender fingers, pale white against jet black, strands like our love, grey at the roots and I know we aged,

Fine, like wine or cheese that you loved, hot, molten and sometimes burnt around the edges of the toast,

Warm, like us snuggled up in sweaters, knit, ferociously our limbs, on a January evening off the ledge of the roof where we met,

First, like our lips, not so tender like you’d hoped, fast, desperate, our breaths raced to catch up with each other, out of rhythm,

A mess, like we are

A mess, like you were

A mess, like I am.

A reminder

You are not just a pretty face, you’re brave and beyond.

The way you find strength to wake up each morning and go on with your day even after the world gives you a thousand reasons to make you want to fall asleep forever, You are resilient.

The way you walk without a painted body, wearing your emotions openly instead of a mask unlike most people out there, with your spine straight and chin up, You are dauntless.

The way you give to those you love, each day without thinking, unconditionally you’re there when they need a shoulder to weep on and hands to comfort, You are selfless .

The way you wear your heart on your sleeve even after people have repeatedly walked over it, crushed it and served it to you on a silver platter like it would make things okay, you moulded it back stronger each time, You, are your own strength.

So remember this when they walk out on you or you feel used again, remember to be proud of who you are, a giver and a lover, for people like you are rare and precious and someday someone will come along who will love your vulnerabilities but never use them to their advantage.

Until then hang in there,

And love yourself.

Perdió

I know I’m on my knees but I don’t know where

The ground feels cold to touch
I can hear murmurs and mumbles but
there is this distinct sound, like a percussion
of erratic overpowering decibels
Although that seems to come from somewhere within me
I can feel it resonating loud and clear like a clarion call in my ears
Somewhere in my chest something threatens to lurch out
My eyes feel warm, my face feels moist
I think I’ve been crying but I don’t feel anything
I don’t feel sad or unhappy
But my tears don’t stop flowing, making a saline pool under my eyelids
My vision is blurred
And I try, I really do try to grasp my situation
But the tremors in my hand
Making it shake like there’s an earthquake, don’t allow me to
The sweat makes me losen my grip
And I get more lost than when I had started out
There’s a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my mind
Each comes and goes by at the speed of light
I don’t have a chance to ponder
I don’t have a chance to find a solution
And then it’s over, just as abrubtly as it had begun
But no matter the number of times it happened
I don’t seem to grow used to it or immune to it,
Only weary in the wait of next time.

Sept 11 , 2017

There was loud bang and then static.

The white noise would under other circumstance
seem like melody to my ears in this bustling city.
The tendrils of fire licked the walls hungry to devour more,
smoke flowed from every open crevice in the shattered glass of doors and windows
And then the cries could be heard.
Distressed shouts for help and the rushed screaming of neighbours to reassure that help is arriving soon
These wails and shouts dowsed by the sirens
Flashing in a haze of red and blue
The flurry of men clad in suits, some with helmets, some guns but most were equipped with all sorts of medical instruments
The ringed ladder was drawn out to the maximum, the flames finally calmed down with the gusts of water,
And this resulted in more smoke, as though a chainsmoker on a whim.
The house that once used to be home now covered in black soot and debris is incapable of holding any memories other than heart break.
Despondency. Something that I have a feeling would become a part of the inheriting in future.
A tragic night. An explosion. Forever etched into the minds of their loved ones.
And I wonder how many souls wept that night because I surely did. I cried for their loss and their hearts and a home painted black.

Falling

What do you do,

When you see it fall apart in front of your eyes?

When words lose their meaning and nothing seems to make sense

When you feel your emotions fade into a blur

And you’re unable to distinguish between right and wrong, love and hate, life and death

What do you do,

When you’re losing yourself, slipping ever so slowly into oblivion?

When life loses colour and your dreams go monochromatic

Replaced by the stark cold and dark nightmares

When you feel like you’ve lost your hold and you’re tumbling down the never ending abyss of dreaded despair

What do you do,

When you’re on the brink of insanity?

When you’ve given up the struggle to fight against the stagnant murky waters sawllowing you

When you’re being pushed down so much that your lungs are clogged with unshed tears and unsaid words

What do you do,

When life demands you to see the light in a room full of darkness? To come alive and chase all those nightmares

When life demands you to stay strong and face the storm

But they don’t see that you’ve lost this fight

You’re still falling apart on the inside.

Tied Down

It starts with a parched mouth
A rough sandpaper in place of a muscular tongue
Wiping away at the blood oozing from your chapped , gnawed lips

And somehow you manage to swallow that angst in the absence of saliva

All these over bearing emotions that you manage to push down one by one  slowly reach your gut , become a tangled mess        

Worse than any knot ever made by an amateur scout                                              

And gradually it takes up all the space inside you, pushing your vital organs away                

So you can’t breathe , you can’t eat , you can’t function like the others out there  Contrary to your desert like condition on the inside, your body is soaking wet

From a cursed ice cold river that starts at the crease of your temple making it’s way to your very core                                  

The temperature around you continues to rise steeply . You’re shaking , You’re a walking furnace now                                                 

 The knot tightens more . Squeezing , very painfully , very slowly , the life out of your body                         

Your fighting organs finally give up And for the first time since this began you feel at ease ,                                          

When you see yourself walking away from your body lying on the floor .

Cassé

We live in a dark world that is more often than not sugarcoated and presented .

As children our naive , young minds relate emotions to physical expressions

We see a lady help her crippled mother , so she must care about her .

We see two girls chatting amicably,  so they must be good friends .

We see our parents kiss , So they must be in love .

But we grow up and this curtain over our eyes is stripped and the reality seeps into our unshielded gaze 

No one is completely happy . No one is complete . 

We are all broken in different ways and irreparably so . 

These harsh truths and a burden of a life make you want to find the creator of this universe . 

Not to seek answers for our philosophical questions but really just to strangle him (or her) for making us puppets , for creating this twisted world . 

So no matter how hard you try now, you can’t un-see what you saw. You can’t help yourself by erasing memories either .

Because the old lady humming tunes to herself while watering her bed of roses , is broken 

Because that boy trying to fit into the group , is broken 

Because your parents who bring home gifts and give you the world’s luxuries , are broken 

And You are broken . 

No, it’s not dramatic and beautiful  like they portray in movies and write about in novels .

No , you don’t always find somebody who will love your broken-ness , pick up your pieces and make you whole .

You will have to learn to love yourself more than anybody does and it will take time 

Because you’ll tumble and fall and lose faith when you find yourself looking at the robots we humans have become.  

Devoid of emotions ’cause we are too afraid to feel , to love , to trust . 

We think we are the only ones feeling this . but you need to keep telling yourself that you’re not alone in this . Trust me when i say that all of us out here are like you , 

Trying to believe that we are just bent , not broken .